Why Do We Make Friends?: The Lasting Gain of True Friendship

Humans innately crave social interaction. We form relationships with others from a young age, usually starting with our parents, grandparents, and other immediate family. By shaping our physical and emotional development, these relationships also shape our conception of the world. On a surface level, primary caregivers support children’s growth through physical protection from external hazards. On an emotional level, caregivers support children by helping them develop coping skills with positive affirmation and by guiding them through the socially crucial early interactions with peers [1]. While social isolation (objectively having few relationships) has been a widely recognized issue after COVID-19, loneliness (a feeling that one lacks social connection or meaningful relationships) is another epidemic affecting the world [2]. Even though people have friends, the friendships are not always deep or meaningful, which leads to a feeling of loneliness. Though it is clear that children need dependent, almost parasitic relationships with their parents or other caregivers for survival and proper development, why do adults need friends?

The Greek philosopher Aristotle categorizes different types of friendships that humans tend to create. The first form of friendship stems from utility in which two friends “do not love each other” unless “some benefit accrues to them from each other” [3]. This utility-based friendship may bring us tangible benefits in our lives such as career advancement opportunities or invites to exclusive social events, and we often exchange benefits with the other party and provide them with similar opportunities. The next form is a friendship of pleasure in which “we enjoy the society of witty people…because they are agreeable to us” and not because we love them for who they are [3]. Arguably, friendships of pleasure are another form of a friendship of utility, as we maintain these friendships for emotional benefit. In my experience, these friendships tend to be surface level, ending easily when the friendship stops benefitting one party. While potentially causing emotional turmoil, this relational split is not always entirely negative. In cases in which both friends have an understanding of their utility or pleasure-based relationship, neither is significantly devastated when their friendship comes to an end. This relationship parallels that of a symbiotic relationship between two animal species.  Sadly, there are many cases in which this split does cause emotional turmoil. 

Issues arise when one party is unaware that the other is only taking part in the relationship for their own benefit. When one person is emotionally invested in the other, but the other is only interested in helping themselves, the first party often ends up hurt. This discovery can quickly lead to feelings of betrayal and anger towards the selfish friend. Unlike the previous case, this friendship models that of a parasitic relationship, where only one party benefits and the other is harmed. While there is no guarantee that a friendship for personal gain always fails, it is essential to consider the other party’s stake.

A 2020 study done at the University of Nicosia in Cyprus further supports Aristotle’s claims. The aim of this study was to determine the factors that primarily lead individuals to make friends. In the first stage of the study, participants were given time to list all possible reasons that they might form a friendship. Their results were combined into a single list, and 41 reasons were selected as the main reasons why people seek out friendship. The Career and Mating categories both include motives that constitute a friendship of utility, with some reasons being “This friendship can be helpful in the future” and “To approach one of his/her friends who interests me romantically” [4]. The Support and Socializing categories include motives that lead to pleasure based relationships such as “So that I do not feel lonely” and “To have someone to support me” [4]. These motives for finding friends are based purely on helping oneself emotionally. That people are often led to form relationships because of their own needs, this is not necessarily a negative concept. 

Social interaction is a basic human need [5]. Taking care of your mental and physical health is focused on the self but is not selfish by definition. Selfishness is defined as being “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” [6]. In my experience, it is often challenging to determine where the line between excessive and acceptable focus on oneself falls. While many of the reasons to form relationships from the Socializing category can easily be attributed to selfishness, they can also be considered in a positive light. Many of the other reasons to form friendships that were given (from the Career or Mating categories, for example) can still end with positive results. Despite initially having self motivations, many stay in long-term friendships because their care for the other grows. By beginning to care for the person and not just the advantages, the initially “selfish” party can change the nature of the friendship. Primarily caring about the other person because of who they are allows for the formation of a deeper, far more meaningful relationship. In learning about the person through mutual vulnerability, the friendship deepens from a greater understanding and empathy. This friendship falls into Aristotle’s final category, in which he says, “it is those who wish the good of their friends for their friends’ sake who are friends in the fullest sense” [2]. 

This type of relationship is one of the greatest gifts of life. Christians believe that they are called to love others for this reason and in this way. As 1 John 4:19 states, “we love because he first loved us.” This statement is simple, yet so powerful. God states that He loves all people, and out of an overflow of understanding that love, Christians are called to respond in love towards those around them. Considering the ongoing loneliness epidemic in the United States, many people both want and need more of this love. The deepest friendships are formed when we love others unconditionally, bearing each other’s burdens through hard times and celebrating our successes together [7]. By truly loving in this way, we still get all of the benefits of the other forms of friendship like having company, finding work partners, meeting possible romantic partners and finding people in whom to confide. 

The Christian faith affirms that while Christians are to love everyone, it is ultimately God’s love that offers the strongest foundation for any relationship because God is the only one who actually loves unconditionally. In Romans 8:38-39, Paul writes, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Christians can be confident that nothing can separate them from the love of Jesus Christ, so they can aim to love others for the same reason. God’s love is far more powerful than any love that we as mere humans could give on our own. During his time on Earth, many relationships that Jesus formed in his life were based strictly on love and provided almost no benefit to him. Jesus performed miracles for people he had never met, preached lovingly to those who tried to persecute him, and was ultimately betrayed and led to his death by one of his closest friends. Christians believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross so that the sin debts of people who constantly rejected him would forever be paid. By forming relationships grounded on true unconditional love, we can cultivate the deepest friendships with others.

1. National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (U.S.). 2016. Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. N.p.: National Academies Press.
2. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. 2023. “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.”
3. Aristotle. 1934. Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by Harris Rackham. N.p.: Harvard University Press.
4. Apostolou, M., Keramari, D., Kagialis, A., and Sullman, M. 2021. “Why people make friends: The nature of friendship.” Personal Relationships 28 4–18. 
5. “How Does Social Connectedness Affect Health? | CDC.” 2023. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 
6. “Selfish Definition & Meaning.” n.d. Merriam-Webster.
7. Galatians 6:2, ESV.